Old Dickhaids

Date: Sun, 17 Mar 2002 13:37:09 -0600
From: Clayton Pigwillow 
To: sparky@sparkherd.com


I'm still trying to figure what to do with the elderly since my career is 
blocked by people over 70.  Clearly they must be killed since they refuse to 
retire and get the hell out of the way.  A few ideas:

1.) Old Fogey Blood Sports.  How much would you pay to watch Miller and Merit 
have a knife fight?  Roller Ball?

2.) Health Testing.  To make sure they're healthy, get every old piece of 
shit in the US to run a six minute mile.  The extreme health of survivors 
would make them great candidates for blood sports.

3.) Vitamin D Program.  To help with those brittle bones, make them go naked. 
 Anyone not killed by exposure and stilling to go out in public is clearly 
insane and should have their health tested (see #2).

4.)  Old-Lady-apult.  Fling 'em like the wrinkly boogers they are.  I want 
to see Rose FLY!

5.)  Since they are a fucking menace on the road, make them ride motorcycles 
so they'll be less likely to hurt anyone but themselves.  Issue motorcycle 
permits to those who have already lost their driver's licenses.  And no 
damned helmets.  The wind resistance from Miller's flapping skin would self 
limit his speed.

6.)  Whore houses with viagra at the door.  No condoms for the Greatest 
Generation (already said no damned helmets!).  There's no need to make the 
places free since the AARP makes sure the old farts have all our money anyway.

7.)  Restitution for Slavery.  Time to even this score anyway.  If you are 
old enough that when you were 18 you could have hypothetically known 100 
people who were slaves, you will be executed to atone for your 
crimes...Exceptions: If you are already retired, can't afford a new car or 
house, and somebody under the age of 30 is willing to assume responsibility 
for all of your actions and attend to your needs, and as long as nobody will 
come forward claim you are in the way, you may be spared if you wish.

8.)  Disputes between the elderly get settled with duels.  No swords allowed 
due to possibility of non-lethal maiming, only pistols and hand grenades.  An 
actual challenge is not required, any two old farts seen arguing are 
imediatly armed and abandoned together in a field.  Obviously cowards will be 
shot by referees.

It may be that I truly need to get out of the house and back to work.  Being 
at home sick it pushing me over the edge.